Listening is a Super Power

One of the more memorable experiences of my early coaching career occurred when I was having breakfast with a client.  He was going on about his people problems (two on maternity leave, one on sick leave, etc.) and his IT problems, and so on.  In the middle of his (healthy) venting, he made the comment "we're nowhere" without any further explanation of what that meant.  When he was done, I gave a thoughtful pause, and then asked him "what did you mean when you said 'we're nowhere.'?"

To his surprise, and mine, he didn't remember saying that.  I assured him that he had, and then he thought about it, and replied that what he meant was that he felt that the organisation could be much larger, and that the number of clients that they were serving could be at least twice what it was.  It turns out this was his deepest concern, and that all of the other issues were secondary, or perceived by him as getting in the way of that goal.

I've had several more experiences like this, where someone tells you something that they don't even realise that they are saying.  I attribute it to the fact that when someone feels that they are truly being listened to, their subconscious will sneak a few words into their mouths.  Their revelation comes not as a result of my clever questions, but from my paying complete attention to them.  My body language conveys interest, my facial expressions convey interest, and, perhaps most important, my mind is clear of anything except for paying attention to what they are saying.  There are no internal responses in my head, just 100% curiosity.

I learned a technique once to help me when I really need to listen actively (which is not all the time).  In a conversation where complete attention on the other person is required, I set myself a rule that if I think of a response to what the person is saying, then I am not allowed to say that response out loud, even when they finish speaking. At first this seemed impossible, but with practice, you learn to shut down your automatic behaviour of preparing what you are going to say while another person is speaking,  Trust that if you wait until they are finished speaking, you can pause for thought and your response will come.  In many cases, your response will be a question to probe further on something they said.  Give it a try -- you will probably hate it at first, but eventually you may find that it helps you pay complete attention.  And if you can convey that, they just might tell you something that they don't realise they are telling you.